May 17th

Approaching May 17^th each year feels a little bit like walking out of the mall after shopping only to find that it is absolutely pouring outside. You have no umbrella - your only choice is to dash to your car and embrace the inevitable drenching of you and all your belongings. You are safe once you get to your car, but the process is always a little messy.

This day feels the same to me – there’s no way to avoid the tears, the remembering, and the revisiting of scars that many times go unnoticed. It’s not fun. I will get wet, but on the other side, usually the morning of May 18^th, I feel cleansed and at peace after tasting of His faithfulness once again.

12 years without my daddy.

Has it really been that long? In some ways it feels just like yesterday that mom came downstairs and told us through tears that we had a new daddy. On that day we joined the privileged group of people that are particularly protected and cared for by God – a Father of the Fatherless and defender of the widow is God in His holy dwelling… “Do not move the ancient boundary or go into the fields of the fatherless. For their Redeemer is strong; He will plead their case against you.” (proverbs 23:10-11.) I never would have chosen to make the trade between a natural daddy and having God only as my Father – but I’m so thankful that God decided for me.

Every year the loss is felt in a new way. Last year it was the pain of not having him here to know my husband; this year it hurts that he isn’t here to rejoice in this pregnancy, and I know next year I will long for him to be able to know and love my son.

The thing that hurts the most is that he chose to leave. He took his own life – no one but the enemy influenced his death. He didn’t have to do it. Yes even in this, my soul is at rest because of what I know of my God:

1) He is sovereign. Nothing can happen to me outside of His concsent and all-wise plan.

2) He can do me no wrong. Only because of the cross am I experiencing such grace in this life. Even the most severe trial is a taste of mercy because the pain doesn’t even to compete to the wrath I deserve but will not experience because Jesus drank it all for me.

3) Knowing Jesus better because of this is totally worth it. If this is the way God has chosen to introduce me more deeply to Christ, if this is His preferred method of making me more like Him, and if there are lessons and treasures that can be gleaned from this trial that can be obtained in no easier way…then I am grateful. So. Very. Grateful.

4)

Knowing Jesus even just a little bit better is infinitely worth any amount of pain I must experience in the process. He is just so good.

I will definitely cry a lot today…I always do. But even in the pain I know that I do not grieve like someone who has no hope. I will see my daddy again. My pain can only go so far – and no farther, because Jesus is coming back and I will see my Savior’s face and He will wipe the tears from my eyes…and then I will always be with the Lord.

"Bless our God, O peoples, and sound His praise abroad,

who keeps us in life and does not allow our feet to slip.

For You have tried us, O God; You have refined us as silver is refined.

You brought us into the net; You laid an oppressive burden upon our loins.

You made men ride over our heads; we went through fire and through water,

Yet you brought us out into a place of abundance.

Come and hear, all who fear God, and I will tell of what He has done for my soul."

Psalm 66:8-12, 16.

Engaged - Brittany & Patrick

Getting to take the engagement pictures for this beautiful couple was quite a privilege. Getting to see this girl and this guy enjoy being engaged is even more amazing. Brittany and I have been talking about our husbands and planning out our marriages since middle school, but last year at this time, it seemed that Brittany's man was nowhere in sight. We prayed together for this unknown man often - and she waited patiently. Then all of the sudden, out of absolutely nowhere, Brittany's prince charming arrived on the scene and slowly swept her off their feet. I'm so excited about being apart of their wedding day in July!

The Chase, Pt. 3

In yesterday’s post, we talked about the fact that we make what we think will satisfy us most our primary pursuit.

If we mistakenly pursued a wife thinking that marriage would ultimately satisfy us, it left us wanting like pursuits for ultimate satisfaction in things that aren’t God always do. The ultimate need of every man is to pursue fullness of joy and satisfaction in daily communion with Jesus Christ and then to let his other pursuits grow out of that one pursuit that will always satisfy him.

But you may have also misunderstood the goal in your pursuit of your wife, which is the topic of this post.

We mentioned that many men feel like the pursuit of a woman is over once they have "caught" her and married her. Marriage was the goal, and they arrived at that goal; therefore, the pursuit is over. Mission accomplished. But their desire to pursue is not satisfied, so they go looking for adventure in other pursuits. But what was the goal of your pursuit? A marriage? Or a wife?

The choices may seem similar, but they are infinitely different. While no man would say that all he was after was a marriage, when he stops pursuing his wife, the message that he sends to her is that he has conquered her and is now moving on to pursue other adventures.

It doesn't have to be this way - nor should it be.

The call of God on every husband is for him to love his wife “like Christ loves the church” (Eph. 5:25). That is the goal - to love her like Jesus loves His bride. That means all the time. That means when she doesn't deserve it. That means that in any and every season, in any and every circumstance, you lovingly treasure her, explore her, and pursue her until the day one of you dies.

If that seems impossible, it is because it is.

That is, it is impossible apart from Jesus being that kind of husband in you. Jesus is the only one capable of being a good husband in you - capable of serving, loving, and wooing her when you're tired, when it's inconvenient, or when you're busy. You must throw yourself in dependence on Him, pursuing Him through His Word and seeking Him in prayer so that you might decrease and He might increase (John 3:30).

Do you see how the solutions to the problems fit together? You will never be infinitely satisfied by pursuits that aren't Jesus, but your pursuit of Him will enable the second greatest pursuit that He gives you to enjoy - your pursuit of your wife.

When you believe that you will find ultimate satisfaction in God alone, you will make Him your primary pursuit. When He becomes your primary pursuit and you stop looking to your wife to meet your desire for ultimate satisfaction, your marriage will become less about you and more about her and "us". You will be free pursue her in loving obedience to your greatest desire - Christ Jesus - and He will enable to you pursue her like He pursues us. In the first pursuit, you get Jesus. In the second pursuit, you get to show your wife what He's like - helping her to fall more in love with Him (and you) in the process.

For the glory of Christ in our marriages and all who look on them as parables of His great love,

Ben

The Chase, Pt. 2

In the previous post, we said that we are consumed with the pursuit of what we think will satisfy us. When we catch the thing we are pursuing, often times we find that the pursuit and the thrill of the catch was more exciting and enjoyable than the possessing of the object of our pursuit.

The post concluded by saying that this is often a problem for men in relationship with their wives / future wives, and that there are two underlying problems if you are one of these men:

1. Your pursuit of your wife was/is the primary pursuit of your life

2. You misunderstood the goal of your pursuit of a wife

The first problem is rooted in the fact that no object of our pursuit, no matter how moral, noble, or virtuous it may seem, can satisfy the ultimate desire of our hearts to be satisfied in God alone. Our hearts’ desire for satisfaction is unquenchable outside of Him who is infinitely satisfying. Psalm 16:11 says of God, “In Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever” (emphasis added). That is to say that, in God, joy is not left wanting or lacking, and in Him alone dwells satisfaction that is not fleeting. When we do not believe that, we pursue satisfaction outside of Him.

Just as we pursue what we think will satisfy us, we make what we think will satisfy us most our primary pursuit. So, if as a single man you thought that marriage was the end-goal and marriage would solve the longings of your heart, you made getting married your primary pursuit. The pursuit distracted you from your deeper need to be satisfied in God, and once you got married and you realized that everlasting, full joy could not be found in your wife, you place above her another pursuit that you think will satisfy you.

That your wife could not meet your deepest need or satisfy the longings of your heart is normal – she was never meant to.

God is the only one that can bear up under the weight of our unquenchable desire for satisfaction and joy. God alone can satisfy the deepest longing of our souls and yet do so in a way that leaves us thirsting for more of Him. Ultimately, pursuing Him is the only pursuit that will not leave us disappointed or with joy that is fleeting, and yet because of the infinite nature of the joy found in His presence, our satisfaction in Him does not remove our desire to pursue – it warrants further pursuit!

Also, when our souls are satisfied in Him who is infinitely satisfying, it frees us to pursue the things that He gives us to pursue for His sake. The pursuits that God gives will, as a way of life, enhance our pursuit of Him and will satisfy us to the extent that they keep Him as the ultimate reason for the pursuit. When searches for satisfaction have anything else besides Him as their ultimate object (i.e. pursuing a wife ultimately for your sake and not His), the result is idolatry that is ironically unsatisfying.

So many men feel a temporary joy from pursuing a woman and beating out every other guy that was vying for her affections, but after they win her hand in marriage, the excitement dissipates. If that’s your story, rest assured that your primary problem is that you were (and may still be) looking to her to satisfy your desire for love and joy that can only be satisfied in Him who IS love and in whose presence there is fullness of joy (1 Jn. 4:8; Ps. 16:11).

But you may have also misunderstood the goal in your pursuit of your wife, which is what we’ll talk about in the next post ...

The Chase, Pt. 1

The madness of March basketball was as crazy as ever this year, and yet the championship game couldn’t have been more disappointing. At the end of what was otherwise a very exciting tournament, I was hit with the same thought I had at the end of the college football season – IS THAT IT?

All of the excitement leading up to one moment of crowning glory – one team is left celebrating; all others leave disappointed. What’s worse, I’ve had a favorite team win championships before, and even the excitement of the ultimate win is fleeting. What about next year? Will we get a good recruiting class? Will we be able to repeat? We barely pause to enjoy the win before it is back to the pursuit of another that will also leave us either disappointed or with fleeting satisfaction.

This is not a post about the futility of sports or their inability to provide lasting satisfaction. I love sports. What the tournament and its abrupt ending got me thinking about is this: we are consumed with the pursuit of what we think will satisfy us. When we catch the thing we are pursuing, often times we find that the pursuit and the thrill of the catch was more exciting and enjoyable than the possessing of the object of our pursuit.

This is especially innate in men. We are born loving to hunt, to pursue, to chase. The more difficult the hunt or the challenge, the more we want to rise up to overcome that challenge as a testament to our manhood.

This is true in sports. It’s true in hunting game. It’s true in pursuing a business deal. I am not saying that we do not enjoy the wins. I'm saying that we enjoy the process of winning more than the win itself because with the win always comes the letdown of not being as satisfied as anticipated or for as long as anticipated. When we find that the object of our pursuit didn't satisfy us according to our expectations, however unrealistic those may have been, we move on to another pursuit.

The implications for men and their marriages are staggering if men view(ed) their getting married as the goal of their pursuit of a wife. Once the wedding day is over, so is the excitement of the pursuit. As soon as the excitement of being a newlywed wears off, men go on to put other pursuits above their wives like business, a "successful" church plant or some ministry challenge, or in many cases, other women.

They'll explain exchanging her for their business as trying to provide for the family, and the prominence they give to the ministry as "prioritizing the Lord's work," but really the first two examples can be just as adulterous as the third. All in the name of a good chase - the pursuit of what they think will satisfy them at the time.

How can this problem be avoided though? How are you, as a man, supposed to flip a switch and change your entire disposition from loving a good pursuit to being content with your catch “till death do us part”?

If these questions resonate with you, you most likely have a twofold problem:

-Your pursuit of your wife was the primary pursuit of your life

-You misunderstood the goal of your pursuit of a wife

We’ll deal with these in the next post. To be continued …

Adrian

This sweet little baby was born into our family on March 18th. I've loved watching my sister become a mommy and it's made me so excited about meeting our little Levi in September!